fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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