a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
