please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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