So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Randomize
