My girlfriend figured out who you are.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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