sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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