I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
