I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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