listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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