I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
They have beer where we have blood.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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