Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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