Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
