Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
