I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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