i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
