we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
