Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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