I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
