I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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