Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
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Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
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I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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