At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
