Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
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I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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