he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
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