I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
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