Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Even my vagina gasped.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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