I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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