This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
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