I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
