just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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