SEEEEXXX PLEASE
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
