Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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