My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
