i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Randomize
