Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
