I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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