Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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