Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Randomize