a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
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...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
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You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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