Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
