Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
