Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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