I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
