The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
even my farts smell like vagina
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
