I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
