I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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