It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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