Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
organizing the empties. That sober.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
