You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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