I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize