i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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