I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
