and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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