I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I'm sobbing to NWA
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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