I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
