chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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