meet me or not, i'm out of control
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
