PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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