the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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