I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
