Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
