Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
