Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
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